Sunday, September 30, 2007

Letting Go!

Letting Go of things or events that have happened to me in the past seems to be a problem. When I get my heartbroken by death or love it takes a long time for me get over it. Then things trigger the event like a song or a place then the tears start to's just a mess. For an example the weekend I went back to Traverse City where I stayed with my grandparents. My parents don't live there anymore. I went to the beach to look at the amazing moon. Who was getting into his car but Nick McAllister. well fuck. Do I go talk to him? or Do I keep sitting on the rock by the water and pretend I don't want to jump on him like a mad women. Well I chose wisely some say and I kept sitting there. As I was driving away Journey came on the radio, then the water works turned on. Now that I look back it was probably pretty funny to watch but at the time I was hurting extremely badly. People that don't know the story of my love-affair with Nick McAllister really don't know what I'm talking about but that's okay. Don't read this Blog because i'm not going to explain it again. Anyways this whole encounter made me really upset. I mean i haven't touched him, talked to him or even listened to the voice messages in over 2 months. Which considering my track record is great. When things get broken off in a weird or abrupt way such as this I can't let it go. I need closure. But this time I had to provide my own closure, which through talking to friends and Scott Harding I have accomplished. Accomplished as in when people bring up his name I don't get really upset and start crying. Do I still think about him...Yes but I think of him as a relationship/affair past. Someone that I cared about, had good wronchy fun with, and thought I was cared about in return. Notice I didn't use the word love...I think that word is too often thrown around and people don't really meant it. Also Nick makes for a good character in my next screen play..Yes Nick your dirty laundry will be airing on the big screen. Ha! Don't piss Lynzi off or she'll exploit you. just kidding:) Wow! I didn't really mean to say that, but since nobody reads this I think I'm safe.

Saturday, September 22, 2007


What happens when someone steals from you? You get pissed and shake your fists to the heavens. But what happens if that person was your best friend. My best friend stole from me the first week i got to school this year. She was in my apartment and went into my bathroom while I was sleeping and stole a lot of my Mary Kay make- up. Which I know make-up is superficial but its the principle of it. You just don't steal from your friends. Also she stole $50 from my roommate. The way I found out was I went over to drop off some groceries i picked up for her at Meijers and there was my make-up sitting on her dresser. Also the money I used for Meijers was my roomates. I didn't get mad on the outside, I just took the make-up told her that it was mine and left. She tried to tell me that we have the same make-up which was total bull. Now it has been about a month and up until last week she hasn't called or even acknowledged my presence. I don't like being the person that holds these grudges, it makes me feel like total shit. It makes me heartbroken when i sit back and realized what I've lost. I lost one of the only people that understood me. Understood my thing for older guys and all of my quirks. Our phrase was "We don't judge here" Which we didn't...we spilled our guts to each other and gave our advice but didn't pass judgement. Now it has been 4 weeks since I 've called her or she has called me for that matter. She has not even said I'm sorry. We are in the same fraternity, Delta Omicron and she just acknowldged me for the first time the other day at open rush. I'm now thinking that I was too irrational in my thinking because I miss her like crazy. I miss the things we used to do, concerts we used to go to, and all those hours we spent on the phone. I hope things will get better with her, and we can get back to the way things used to be. OR is that the final straw, a friend stealing from you..should that be the reason to end a friendship. I don't know???

Stalkers, Crazies, and Creepers

What is with crazy guys? The guys that don't seem to let go of the relationship. The guys that are creepy, stalkerish, or they have some sort of mental issues. Those type of guys seem to flock to me and my friend. Some examples because these stories are always fun. The most recent one was my friend to protect her identity I am going to say Ashley and her "boyfriend" Joe. Joe was the most overproctecive boyfriend I have seen in a long long time. He called at least 10 times a day and asked what Ashley was doing and why. He would emotional abuse her and didn't respect her whats so ever. Whenever she would go out with us Joe would call "I don't undestand why you are going out with them, you should be talking with me" He was so selfish and didn't give her any space. Ashley didn't know how to stand up for herself. She would let joe walk all over her "Oh Joe is just like that...he said he's sorry for treating me like crap...he'll never do it again. Whatver that is load of crap. He would also manipulate her, and twist her words around to make him look like the victim . ALWAYS... So the other night after she spent 2 hours on the phone with Joe crying because Joe was yelling at her for hanging out with us. She kept saying I'm sorry Joe I'm so sorry. blah bah My roommates and I had an intervention with her. We sat her down after the converstion and said Ashley this can not go on any longer, he is not a stable person and her treats you like CRAP. She said I know...I don't know if can break up with him. I said you have too...he is not going to change no matter what you say or do. We decided to do an experiment ;since he calls 10 times a day we told Ashley to not answer the phone for the entire day. We told her the only call you should make is the one that would break the relationship. I am not joking you...he called over 200 times. What kind of crazy ass does that. Fuck. All his messages were him crying and then they started to get threatening. This was a big red flag to Ashley that said I need to end this tonight. I was so proud of her that night when she took charge over the phone. On the other end of the phone i've never heard anything more pathetic in my life. He was actually crying, i call it blubbering, to her and saying I'm sorry I'll change..I have changed ...I will make your life perfect if you give me one more chance. Ashley has given him more than enough chances. The converstion got to the point where it was funny. After two hours of him carrying on she ended, she told him to let her go and he was not to come up. Joe said no we have plans I'm coming up. NOOOOO! Well we new then that things were going to get ugly. About three hours later he shows up at the door. He started banging and we didn't answer. Then he goes around to all the windows and starts throwing things at them. Thank GOd we live on the second floor. We finally just said fuck it and we called the police. They came and escorted him off the property. Ashley fearing for her saftey got picked up by her cousin to go have a relaxing weekend.

That is just one of the many crazy people I have encountered in the past 6 months. My stories include things such as creepers at parties that won't leave me alone, to a bipolar boyfriend that one day loved me the next day I was fat whore, to a certain married man that just broke me. What 40 year old puts all that emotional stress on a 20 year old. I am type of person that has the constent need to help and fix people. Once he started telling me his sob stories...I got attached emotional and later physically. WHERE DO I FIND THESE PEOPLE???? And where are the normal people. The people that treat with respect, compliment you, people that don't get up on you on the first date. Where are you? I know of one...the person that appears from the outside perfect but who the hell knows anymore... I can't trust anyone...but I percieve him to have all the right characteristics of a good, respectable yet totally fab male figure. He is happily married with a little girl so i have learned my lesson there...hands off. I have known him for about 2 years and form now on he is going to be my standard for men. Things that he does that guys that I've been with should take some fucking notes: Complimenting my outfitts and everyones for that matter, he notices little details: like if someone gets a hair cut, treating everyone with the respect the way they deserve, he is very intelligent: i can actually have a decent conversation with him imagine that, a great listener, and oh he knows how to dress. He is very comfortable in his skin which shows, but not in a pompas assholish way. Those are all the general things and then we have the fact that we have similar tastes in music which most of our conversations are based on. And we have similar political views so that makes life a little easier when you don't have to defend yourself all the time. Why don't people like him exsist in the single world. My god! I am just at my wits end with all of this shit. I am tired of people getting too clingy and stalking me, not treating me with respect and fucking breaking my heart.

This song is by Sugarland...kind of sums up how I feel.

I've been sitting here staring at the clock on the wall
And I've been laying here praying, praying she won't call
It's just another call from home
And you'll get it and be gone
And I'll be crying

And I'll be begging you, baby
Beg you not to leave
But I'll be left here waiting
With my Heart on my sleeve
Oh, for the next time we'll be here
Seems like a million years
And I think I'm dying

What do I have to do to make you see
She can't love you like me?

Why don't you stay
I'm down on my knees
I'm so tired of being lonely
Don't I give you what you need
When she calls you to go
There is one thing you should know
We don't have to live this way
Baby, why don't you stay

You keep telling me, baby
There will come a time
When you will leave her arms
And forever be in mine
But I don't think that's the truth
And I don't like being used and I'm tired of waiting
It's too much pain to have to bear
To love a man you have to share

Why don't you stay
I'm down on my knees
I'm so tired of being lonely
Don't I give you what you need
When she calls you to go
There is one thing you should know
We don't have to live this way
Baby, why don't you stay

I can't take it any longer
But my will is getting stronger
And I think I know just what I have to do
I can't waste another minute
After all that I've put in it
I've given you my best
Why does she get the best of you
So next time you find you wanna leave her bed for mine

Why don't you stay
I'm up off my knees
I'm so tired of being lonely
You can't give me what I need
When she begs you not to go
There is one thing you should know
I don't have to live this way
Baby, why don't you stay, yeah

and thats my sob story for the day I'll stop now! oh and I didn't beg...I felt like it but retrained myself.

Thursday, September 20, 2007

Generation X-Nay?

I was just watching the Cobert Report and we as generation were refered to as genereation X-nay. He was talking about the guy that got tasered at the John Kerry Speech on the campus of University of Florida. He got tasered for what shooting off his mouth at John Kerry telling him he was in skull and Bones with Bush. That is no reason to taser somebody by any means. The thing that came to my attention was the students in the background were just sitting there like bambi in headlights. They did nothing to help their fellow student. Yes they might get tasered or put in jail themselves but honestly help a guy out. Cobert then talked about the fact that we are a youtube, blogging generation. If we want to stand up for something we don't actually do it, we blog about it. Or the other reason he thought that the students didn't help out was they are to used to watching youtube videos. How many times do you go on you tube and watch a guy getting hit by two cars at once or a guy getting thrown out of window; just jackass events. We are so used to watching horrible acts of violence that when it comes down to the wire we watch the event like it was movie. I don't know, I feel that I would step in and help. I am loud an obnoixous in my opinions in the first place, so I would probably get tasered as well. I don't think you can categorize a whole generation as lazy side liners that don't take action. Generation X-Nay, I think we are better than that.

Tuesday, September 18, 2007

thoughts of the day

Okay this is a big time waister. I should be doing other things but some how i get stuck on the computer stalking people on facebook or watching you tube videos. This is what not practicing has brought to me... a life of computers, reading, and getting fat. No not really but it had a nice ring to it. I haven't touched my piano in 4 months now and kind of miss it. I really did hate the piano at the end of last year. That consistent nagging in my head of your not lang lang so why even play. It just broke me down so i decided if i can't take the heat I would step out of the kitchen for awhile. Maybe I'll start playing this semester again just for fun. I have to do my advanced ensemble sometime but I thought instead of doing the classic lets make a quartet and playing boring music that nobody will listen too... why not start a rock band. That would make the whole music faculty besides Scott keel over and die. I think it would be more beneficial to study something that I enjoy than something that I wouldn't get anything out of because i'm bored to tears aka classical quartets. I mean don't get me wrong I respect muscians you do them but it's just not for me. On that subject Why can't there be a major of Rock n Roll. Please somebody tell me. Jazz was once said to be an unacceptable major, I mean Central doesn't have it but many other places do. There is more to Rock n Roll then just power chords people!!! Lets get with the times.